humor science fiction

Bare Rump's Diary

I wonder what those beasties taste like?

Monday, June 06, 2005

Let's get a few things straight.

  1. You are not alone in the universe (duh!)
  2. You aren't the brightest bulbs around. The Fulxa, mammoth beasts who make discount store bathroom rugs look tres chic, make you folks look like that Paris Hilton creature. What is it, anyway? I can't find it anywhere in the Catalog.
  3. You aren't the most dangerous folks in the neighborhood, either. Ignoring for the moment my own people, you would have to contend with the Nakreans, whose poo is the hardest substance known to -- well, everyone who counts, and let's leave it at that -- and they can fire it directionally at one percent of the speed of light. That, by the way, is widely recognized as one of the great natural wonders of the Silk Road. (More on the Silk Road some other time, my darling humans. There is such a thing as information overload.)
  4. You aren't even the wiliest critters on the Road. The Benevolents win that distinction, although sometimes one wonders if their reputation is deserved. The smart money may lie instead with the Laroptans, or maybe the Amanu. Or the Elkalept! How did I forget the Elkalept? Come to think of it, almost everyone is cleverer than you. Sorry, but there it is.
  5. No, what you humans do par excellence is CREATE. Did you know the Benevolents have syndicated every Earth-based television program videotaped before a live studio audience? Every last one! And they don't pay a penny in royalties. Maybe they do deserve their reputation.

And that's why I've come to Earth. We're in a precarious position, my people; we're new to the Road, and we're encountering entirely too much prejudice -- all because human phobias have permeated Satellite TV programming. These spiders: Why do you fear them so? They're like the little people of our legends. Darling things, from what I've seen.

I'm here to orchestrate an image makeover.

Until I'm discovered by your media, this blog is my only way of meeting you, one by one. You can help me by rating this site -- use the pretty BlogHop icon, over there on the right. Like that nice human Michael Douglas says: GREEN IS GOOD.

And don't click on 'this sucks'. I know I suck, darling. Nature of the beast.

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